What I've learnt in the first two weeks of my 'Break Up'.
So, the last two weeks has been nothing short of shithouse... Out of respect to my Ex, I won't go into too many of the personal details, but two weeks ago after finally deciding enough is enough, I hit send on an email that was ridiculously hard to write. It took me all day, I swear I re-read it 20 thousand times, before hitting send and Blocking him on my phone and every Social Media account I had...
See, I've been through a breakup before, I even created a business around Break-Ups, so I thought I was very prepared for the process that was and still is unfolding before me... I knew that Blocking him was the best thing to do, not out of spite but out of a need to protect myself FROM MYSELF when moments of weakness creep in... moments where all you want to do is see their face, or confirm if they have already moved on, or not...
But I was not prepared for this, at all.
Here is what I've learnt in the last two weeks.
1. IF HE WANTED TO BE WITH ME, HE WOULD'VE ALREADY MOVED HEAVEN AND EARTH TO MAKE THAT CLEAR.
I'll admit, I'm a dreamer. Up until a few days ago, I still had this hope in my head that he'd show up at my door, with a big bunch of roses and confess his love to me, tell me it was all a big mistake and let us live happily ever after. But let's face it, he hasn't. Even in the last 8 months of an off-again, on-again 'relationship/friendship/casual hookup' this hasn't happened.
If he wanted us to be back together, he would've made it super clear by now.
See, boys are pretty simple, and I say that with the utmost respect. Even though this particular guy is pretty damn complex, when he wants something, he will go out and get it. And it's the same with most guys, yet we lie to ourselves and we make EXCUSES for them when the reality is - if he isn't making it clear to you that he wants you, there is a 99% chance - he isn't that interested.
BUT this shouldn't be a reflection on you. Just because they're not interested in you, DOES NOT MEAN you are not interesting, wonderful, amazing, beautiful and worthy of Love. Sometimes (and in my case) too much water had already passed under the bridge, our time had come to an end, too much had already been said and done to turn back. And he just wasn't that into me anymore, and that is totally ok. It hurts, but it's ok. Accepting this is tough, but what is worse is giving yourself to someone who doesn't want it, making excuses for someone who doesn't deserve your time or Love.
Know that there is someone out there who WILL move heaven and earth, and chances are the guy who doesn't really care, showed up to teach you a lesson or two about yourself, a blessing you could say. See it for what it is, move on and open yourself up to the Love you deserve.
2. GETTING OVER SOMEONE IS SIMILAR TO KICKING A DRUG ADDITION.
I like to find solutions to problems, even when I'm faced with trying to understand and navigate a Break-Up. So a week or so in, after another miserable day of replaying memories, dragging myself into my office still in my PJ's at lunchtime, and resisting the urge to send another email - I found myself searching for answers on Youtube... 'Getting over a broken heart' was my search terms. I found an amazing Ted Talk, which I highly recommend.
Dr Winch described how withdrawal from Romantic Love activates the same mechanisms in our brain that fire off when addicts are withdrawing from Drugs. He explains that because we cannot have the 'fix' of actually being with that person, our unconscious mind shows us the 'Methadone' which comes in the form of memories of that person...
With every single memory played over and over, with every re-visit to the past we feed the addiction, and prolong our pain and complicate the recovery.
"Stop searching for the perfect explanation, or trying to find a reason it ended, nothing will make the pain go away so accept the explanation you were offered, or make up your own and put the questions to rest - you must be willing to let go to be able to move forward."
When you find yourself replaying memories, or 'indulging' in reminiscing on all those amazingly special moments in time - stop yourself - reset your mind and LET THAT SHIT GO... It has happened, it's over and your No. 1 priority right at this moment is recovery and healing.. Do not torture yourself with the past, when you have SOOOOO MUCH to look forward to in the future.
There are times when I try to curb my thoughts and look to the future. Some days this makes me feel anxious. I feel afraid to face the future and doing life without this person, but I remind myself that I now have endless amounts of opportunity ahead of me.. No more judgement, no more tears, and no more feeling never good enough.. And it is the same for you - the world of opportunity has just opened up to you - embrace it!
3. STOP IDEALISING THE PERSON
Its a strange thing - going from being around someone all the time, to not seeing them at all... I remember a time when I was with my Ex where we would argue and I would just be so frustrated, and irritated and think to myself that I don't like particular traits about this person. There were real deal-breaker moments where I even left a holiday in Canada, where I decided I just couldn't allow myself to be disrespected for one more second... Yet, in these past two weeks, I haven't thought about those times at all.. It is as if those moments never existed and all I've done is replay his smile, his laugh (oh that laugh!), how happy he made me, how he just felt like 'home'... blah blah blah.
We are programmed as humans to think this way, especially through-out Heartbreak. But all Idealising does, is make our loss feel more painful.
As suggested by Dr Winch, get out your Phone. Make a list of all the bad traits you didn't like, be brutal. Be real, and dig deep. You need to balance out the good memories, with the not so good to remind yourself that there were very valid reasons you didn't work out. Whenever you feel yourself slipping into 'idealising' your Ex with memories of how amazing they were, get your phone out and remind yourself of the things that didn't make you happy.
It's totally ok to cry. In fact, I recommend having a really good cry when you feel your Break Up is getting a bit too much to handle... The key to moving on, is allowing the emotions to flow, don't try and lock them away, or drink/do drugs to forget about them. Face them, feel them and then let it go.
RECAP: Stop making excuses for them. Don't torture yourself with replaying memories. Remember all the bad traits of that person (quit idealising them) and face each day with the hope of opportunity for your future, rather than being bogged down by the past.